Once upon a time, back in the day when I was charged with writing a regular Monthly Review column for this site, I’d spend more hours of my week reading the online version of various Scottish papers than I did reading my local (New Zealand-based) rag. On any given day I could tell you just about everything that was going on inside the Glasgow G41 postcode, or who the latest minor celebrity love rat was, or indeed, the name of the latest Scottish politician caught speeding under the influence somewhere on the M8. Yet, if pushed, I’d have been hard pressed to tell you how my own local team had got on the previous weekend, or what the key issues of the day were in my own country. A particularly perverse state of affairs, made all the more bizarre for the fact that the Scottish online chip-wrappers were hardly recommended reading.

I recall it occurring to me at the time that someone really ought to one day sit down and start documenting all of the pro-Rangers reporting, all of the spin, all of the sly little digs at Celtic, and more generally all of the blatant lies that were being packaged up and sold off as credible football reporting in Scotland. Little did I know then that some bright spark by the name of Tony Hamilton (not that one, curiously enough) had already taken on such an onerous assignment, and for the past fortnight I’ve been foraging my way through the end result of those efforts in the form of his hot-off-the-press book: ‘Celtic Paranoia - The Laptop Loyal Diaries’.

It is exactly what it says on the sleeve – a diary of media coverage of football in Scotland, with obvious emphasis on events surrounding Celtic and Rangers, written in a very ‘Tic-friendly and frequently hilarious fanzine style (see terminology such as the “Retard”/”Rectum”, “Murray’s poodles”, “lickspittles” etc). Hamilton picks things up in February 2002 and takes us all the way through to March 2009, with the main surprise for me – after agreeing to review sight unseen – being the sheer volume of material contained within. This was going to be a serious test of my ability to remain sane (well, relatively sane), and I couldn’t help but harbour similar fears for the state of mind of its author upon completion.

I personally know nothing about Tony Hamilton outside of a few emails exchanged in order to facilitate the safe delivery of his cargo (he spelt Paraparaumu Beach correctly so that was a good start) but for the best part of seven years he can’t have had much of a life outside of this project as he sought to piece together various controversial and not so controversial snippets of football reporting as it related to the two halves of Glasgow’s divide (and occasionally beyond). Between this project and running a related blog – blog entries also feature prominently within the pages of the book, adding to the fanzine “feel” of the writing – there simply wouldn’t be enough hours in the day to deal with regular distractions like work, sleep, food, drinking, shagging, phone calls to Samaritans, and the business of actually watching his beloved team.  

This is about as comprehensive as these things can possibly get – it comprises 395 pages in length – and it doesn’t merely confine itself to more obvious targets like the Daily Record and other tabloids. No siree, nobody within Hamilton’s radar was safe – television, radio, broadsheet, or redtop, it mattered not. Any slight, or perceived slight, upon the good name of Celtic FC, or in fact that of Celtic PLC, was located, filed, documented, commented upon, and subsequently put under the spotlight for posterity.. Likewise, all of the pro-Hun spin and propaganda is there in all of its full-blue-blooded glory; dissected, disputed, and disemboweled for the rubbish it undoubtedly was (and still is). Yep, this is a one-stop catch-all exercise in exposing laptop loyalty for what it is … well done that man, it’s a messy job but someone had to do it.

While there are obvious highlights/lowlights such as the ‘Thugs And Thieves’ episode and various Playergate dramas (see Bobo, Lenny, Artur, and Aiden et al) to get stuck into, it is perhaps the more subtle items of interest that make the book what it is. All of the less immediately apparent stuff like fake transfer stories – so often nothing more than the contorted and befuddled imaginings or haverings of a whisky-soaked hack struggling to meet his copy deadline – provide the more amusing asides. Hamilton doesn’t miss a beat as he painstakingly highlights simple things like wording – for example (but not one contained within its pages) something like … Big Spending Gers In For Serie A “Ace” etc … when the player in question is actually a balding 38-year-old out of contract Palermo reject who once made a solitary substitute appearance for that club’s reserve side, and oh, he just happened to be seen on the London Road last week enjoying a few quiet Baileys with Lorenzo Amoruso’s bastard lovechild. You know the sort of thing. You’ve all seen it all before, but to have these minor curiosities documented in one place, no stone left unturned, ready to be referred to on a whim, is simply priceless.

Maybe that’s the true nature of Hamilton’s work. It strikes me that when it’s not being used as a reference book by your average run-of-the-mill paranoid anorak (and we all know one … *your reviewer shuffles nervously in his seat*), then it can be used as a wee pick me up (literally)/coffee table type publication. Sure, there aren’t many pictures (no gloss applied) and the basic plot gets a little samesy at times, but the strength of The Laptop Loyal Diaries is not only its attention to detail but also its usefulness – being in diary format – as a sort of reference book. One that provides an alternative recent history of Celtic FC.

For avoidance of doubt, Hamilton not only records snippets of the questionable articles – or in the case of TV and radio, the questionable statements made – but he also provides his own highly amusing commentary on said items, and in this regard, the book also offers humour as a form of therapy.

Saving the best until last, Hamilton pulls a masterstroke near the end of the book where he devotes an entire section to what he refers to as ‘The Lickspittle Archives’. This is where we get classic articles (to include pre-2002 examples) reproduced in their entirety. Where else could you get these in one place? I won’t reel them all off here but amongst these gems you’ll find Ken Gallacher’s infamous piece from August 2000 on just how wonderful David Murray is (‘Murray’s Blueprint’ – see what he did there?) – a particularly cruel item considering that very month represented something of a genuine tipping point in the balance of power. Then there’s Lickspittle Traynor with the equally infamous August 1998 piece ‘Secret Fear That Drives Me To Win’ (aka the “succulent lamb” article) … oh yes, how we loved that one. There is also Traynor’s ‘Gers Dream Team’ piece from 1996 where our fat fiend literally creams himself over the prospect of Murray throwing some £80million at the transfer market, and where (apparently) Kenny Dalglish’s brief connection with Murray would result in names like Maldini, Overmars, Shearer, Fowler, and Ronaldo himself all queuing up to join the Ibroke Revolution …ahem, just over 18 months later Celtic would be Champions.

But for me, the jewel in the metaphorical crown is this paragraph from Gabriele Marcotti, writing in June 2000 …

“You can pencil in Glasgow Rangers to win its twelfth title in thirteen years. Celtic (or anybody else in Scotland) has about as much chance of breaking Rangers’ hegemony as Pamela Anderson does of winning an Academy Award. Perhaps more than any other season in recent history, this one looks like a no-brainer … “

Excellent! … Gaun’ yersel Pammy …

I guess with so much source material to work with, Hamilton was always onto a winner with this book.

This publication is available for purchase at the following link:

http://www.lulu.com/content/6813654

If you’re keen for a sneak preview or keen to check out Tony’s blog go here:

http://celticparanoia.blogspot.com

I’m looking forward to Volume Two already … (bags not me!)

An ETims recommendation, but to be safe, please ensure you have a loved one within arms reach at all times.

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