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ETims Online Celtic Fanzine

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Sep 07th
Home arrow ETims Reviews arrow The Forces Of Darkness arrow A Day in the Life of David Edgar
A Day in the Life of David Edgar Print E-mail
Written by Bedford Falls   
Friday, 21 May 2010
Digg!
07:00 – Roll out of bed, knocking over my Super Ally alarm clock. I slip on my RFC slip-ons and throw the duvet, club crest and all, back on my single bed. It's time for breakfast, but not before I kiss the portrait of the Queen above my dormitory door. It's the Rolf Harris one.

07:10 – Pour glass of orange juice. Flick on BBC news and they are celebrating a Manchester jobs boon. Nearly spit my juice all over the TV, don't the BBC realise what that city did to the peace-loving Rangers fans who congregated with only celebration in mind. Prepare strongly worded letter, I use the red crayon for this one as I am so angry.

07:15 – Finish letter, Post it on the RST website for the member to read.


07:30 – Skip the wash today. The month-end is only a fortnight away.

08:00 – Get ready for work, when making my sandwiches I notice a green lump has formed on my cheese. No doubt part of a Timmy conspiracy. I throw the once beautiful orange cheese away in disgust. The unseen hand of Fenian forces come at me again. I will get them.

08:10 – Head to work. Hoping to get my fifth star. Just like the Bears, eh?

09:25 – I notice a TV crew outside work, I dash out to find out what is happening. They are talking about the upgrade to the Subway. I hear them talk about some closures which are needed. This is ridiculous, and inconvenience too far for the Bear brethren, I immediately go back to work and borrow a pen off of my 18 year old supervisor and prepare a strongly worded letter. I am so angry. I didn't get on TV, the BBC must have received my letter already. I am sure an edict has been issued by Tommy O'Murphy, the bin man at the BBC, to ban me from their screens.

09:27 – Still seething at my discharge by the TV crew when I given the great news that I am only 5 super-size upgrades from my fifth star. So happy.

09:45 – A family of Celtic supporters come in. Five meals, it's an easy upgrade but I can't offer them the opportunity to enhance their eating experience and save money. I let it pass. My supervisor notices and tells me I need ten now. It was worth it.

11:20 – I am 2 upgrades away when the Real Radio Renegade comes into the store. I get it right. £10,000 won. I am interviewed on the radio and mention the disgraceful situation with the Subway and the BBC's propaganda on Manchester. I offer to sing God Save the Queen but am told not to bother. The unseen forces are at work again, it is a disgrace when a man can't sing his national anthem. I prepare a strongly worded letter, my anger knows no bounds and I use tomato sauce to emphasize my points. Bastards.

11:30 – Just realised I am £10k richer. Put bid in for Rangers.

11:45 – Check the RST website. Had 4 hits in the last week. Bit disappointed to see that every search term which has brought traffic to the site is 'can't trust Rangers supporters'.

13:00 – Go on my daily lunchtime vigil to the Bank of Scotland on Argyle Street. I protest about the awful treatment of my club. The RST is the heart of the club you know. Anyway, I am happy today as I am able to protest between the Subway station and the BOS branch. I notice a manager type coming out of the branch and mention my Rangers bid. He laughs and says that I should send the monies to Her Majesty instead. I agree, what a great idea. Maybe she will buy Rangers. This day is turning for the better.

14:00 – Back at work.

14:10 - Two more Big Macs upgraded – ecstasy and agony follow in that order, Get my fifth star. Dance around with my trousers down. For some reason this is deemed unacceptable and I am sacked. No explanation. The unseen hand gets me again. I am escorted from the premises when I ask the supervisor (Harpinder Paul) if he is a spy for the Irish. I vow revenge. I prepare a strongly worded letter to the boss, Ronald McDonald.

14:20 – Got to Bank of Scotland and wire winnings to the Queen.

14:30 – Steal an Evening Times. After reading the Papal propaganda lauding Neil Lennon as the second coming I see reference to the fact that the HMRC is on the verge of hitting the Glasgow Rangers with a fine of £24m. I spew on the spot. That treacherous bitch has just accepted my £10k and is now trying to take Rangers to the cleaners. I won't have it. I prepare strongly worded letter written on headed paper, using the fancy RST paper shows how angry I am.

15:40 – Walking home I notice a TV crew. I run over and get in my tuppence worth about the events of today, about the HMRC, the BBC, McDonalds. Real Radio, Manchester, the Subway and the unseen forces. The dead body sits up and tells me 'to feck off, this is Taggart we're filming.' Might have guessed it be an Irish name. Notice the STV insignia on the camera and prepare strongly worded letter, they can't treat a licence payer like this.

16:45 – Get home and make mum a cup of tea. We have an orange club with it. They are my favourite.

17:55 – Just finished updating the site. The membership has doubled in one day. Finlay Ferguson is our new member. Some good news at last.

18:30 – Stick on an episode of 'Allo 'Allo to cheer me up, That Herr Flick of the Gestapo is a legend.

19:15 – Put on the Discovery Channel and notice there is a documentary called Attila the Hun On the Rampage. Bastards. Not only are they using a word so offensive it brings bile to the very pit of the member, or should I say (proudly) members, of the RST, it causes me to wretch on the spot. And again, the media play fast and loose with us victims from Manchester. Prepare strongly worded letter, I use a tangerine crayon for this one as I am so angry, and to wind up those who can't tell orange and tangerine apart.

20:30 – Been a long day and mum says I've to get to bed. Log on to the PC and check my emails. I send away for some of those tablets though don't know when I'll ever get to use them. I notice I have an email from Finlay Ferguson. Turns out it is some arsehole from ETims winding me up. I wreck the computer and scream at the top of my lungs. The police come and arrest me for breach of the peace and all because I smashed every window in the neighbour's house. They are calling the attack racially motivated. Don't they know the difference between racism and bigotry?

21:00 – At the station the police give me one call – the unseen hand wouldn't allow anymore, that's for sure. I call my lawyer. Donald says he'll be over in ten minutes and has said I'll get Legal Aid no problem.

22:00 – Get home, but not before an Irish Setter tries to hump my leg. No matter how much I enjoy I can't let an Irish mongrel get this close to me. I smack with a brick and it feels good. I go to sleep dreaming of my bravery and the victories ahead. I give Broxi Bear a hug and hum Tomorrow Belongs to Me.




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The Monday After Friday International Week Excuse Late Supplement Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for about seven years
Stole many a man's dough and faith

I was 'round when Aiden McGeady
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Spartak
Greased his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around Florence Italy
When I saw it was a time to grab some change
Sealed the deal with La Viola
The Holy Goalie screamed in vain

Been called a wank
Raided your piggy bank
When the mid-years raged
And the finance stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
(woo woo, woo woo)

I watched with glee
While your trades and kings
Sold for millions made
Traded for duds instead
(woo woo, woo woo)

I shouted out,
"Who paid for Robbie Keane?"
When after all
It was you not me
(who who, who who)

Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for tabloid hacks
Who get briefed before they reached Gallowgate
(woo woo, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
(who who)
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
(who who, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
(woo woo, who who)

Just as every cost is criminal
But all my bonuses great
As heads is tails
Just call me Peter yeah
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint
(who who, who who)

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, have some taste
(woo woo)
Use all your well-learned politesse
As I lay this club to waste, mmm yeah
(woo woo, woo woo)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, mmm yeah
(who who)
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, mmm mean it, get down
(woo woo, woo woo)

Woo, who
Oh yeah, will bring ya down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
(woo woo)

Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me Lenny, can ya guess my game
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame

Oh, who
woo, woo
Woo, who
Woo, woo
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Oh, yeah

What's my name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name

Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Oh, yeah
Woo woo
Woo woo
Read more...
 
   
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