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The Origin of the Species

Written by Bedford Falls
Sunday, 30 May 2010
This paper concerns a recent study carried out by the University of ETims into the human sub-group known as the Homo Hunness. In producing we have researched the evolutionary history of the tribe, studied their social interaction and habits, interviewed and even interacted with the group on a covert basis and have applied scientific research to consolidate our findings. First, the definition of Homo Hunness is a contested term. The Latin word Homo means ‘intelligent’ and many have challenged our use of this word in respect to this species. The rationale is that Australopithecus was seen as the last non-Homo species and the breach into Homo Sapien, the general term applied to the first intelligent humans, was the next evolutionary step. Our belief is that it is fundamentally flawed to suggest the Homo Hunness could land in either aforementioned category. They are clearly beneath the Homo Sapien catergorisation, but nonetheless have mastered the ability to communicate (albeit with limited vocabulary), stand upright (usually) and are able to function in larger social groups, although usually limited to peoples of similar persuasion and ideology. If we look at the evolutionary journey we find that around 1873 a break in the gene pool allowed this group to form. Traits strong the 21st century breed were strong even back then, and indeed, evolution could be regarded as a contested term as it suggests there has been progression in the species’ development when in reality many of the 1873 notes stand strong today. If we take the physiological features of the group there is an undeniable commonality amongst them in that their faces tend to be fixed to a scowl, as if permanently raging. In addition, the lack of a handsome Homo Hunness has been recognized within the Homo Sapien pool and a tribute to this has been penned. Physically, the Homo Hunness tends to be clinically obese, the male of species too. This is something that is on the increase within the population making them easier to spot in a crowd. One thing which has improved is the eyesight of the Homo Hunness. Previously the spectrum of colours in which they could see was limited to four, but in the last ten years tangerine has been added to the red, white, blue and orange which dominated the vision of the species. This advancement was greeted with much excitement but some scientists have suggested that the differences between orange and tangerine in the mind of the Homo Hunness is akin to tomato, tomatoe. Some of this stunted evolutionary growth can be traced back before the biodiversity event that is responsible for creating the Homo Hunness. It is speculated that the split from the Homo Neanderthalensis occurred after a tribe of the cavemen took too many magic mushrooms one day and mated with a herd of passing water buffalo. The result was a battle during which No Surrender was the war cry. The fact they were fighting with each other meant many lacerations, disfigurements and marks that remain in the gene pool to this day. The breeding habits of the Homo Hunness are as abhorrent as they are predictable. The incestuous approach reproduction has had an awful effect on the gene pool of the species and it is now more common to use quips comparing the Homo Hunness to Monkey as opposed the vice versa. Interestingly the few times the Homo Hunness looks outside its own gene pool for social or reproductive reasons are to tribes of similar outlook. Certainly their quite overt support of fascist regimes and insignia suggests a shared mentality and gives some indication as to both the social structure within the group but also how they would position them in a more evolved society. Tolerance is not an option. Interbreeding has affected the aesthetic look so much so that it is on 100% of occasions resulting in a mutant faced offspring. Communication is limited in the group. There is a tendency to sing songs of hatred and to celebrate events from some 200 years before the biodiversity accident that created the species. Language tends to focus on the negative and in 6 months studying and living alongside them, the only time a positive word was heard was when to emphasize a negative: ‘’I love to hate Catholics’ was a particular favourite. There are clear strides being taken in speech and song but apparent failings in the group is the inability to understand numbers and rules, the latter fact that has been highlighted in respect to their leader over the last few years. There is indeed strong evidence of a fierce tribal attitude that is refusing to leave the gene pool. By way of tribal regalia, the male and females are quite commonly seen with ill-fitting blue nylon sports shirts sporting the insignia of a Scots soccer team. This team is anchored squarely within the breeding grounds of the Homo Hunness. The severe lack of migratory action from the species means that they are based within the confines of Western Caledonia and small parts of Northern Eire. Other common items of clothing are the shell-suit and baseball cap, which tends to be set at a quite peculiar angle. The beliefs of the group are hard to fathom and needs further exploring. A theologian’s nightmare, they reject God and claim not to believe anything anyone says against them while also claiming they are the people, a strangely communist style phrase for a monarchist unionist tribe, this is a contradiction which, if explained to the group results in lashings and beatings. For we, and the people of Manchester, Pamplona, Barcelona etc, know. Very few of the Homo Hunness tribe has managed to break free and establish a place for themselves in normal society. The last to do so was a bear named Leon Jackson. Further study will be required to find out just who this is. Perhaps the most overriding characteristic, both physically and socially, of the group is every single member's preponderance to rage. Permanently. The constant scowl is support by a completely mistrusting personality that whilst proclaiming social sycophancy to betters seems to be snagged down by an inferiority complex which manifests itself in violence. Whenever a tribe of Homo Hunness are moved more than 30 miles from the battlegrounds of Western Caledonia or Northern Eire there seems to be a trigger inside which results in the intensification of this rage; a point Danny Boyle quietly admits was the inspiration for 28 Days Later. The Manchester setting was ironic co-incidence. To conclude: the Homo Hunness is a backward tribe struggling with identity and the grasps of a modern society. It is lost in a miasma of history of which it wasn’t even a part. It’s identity is mixed up by conflicting desires to be better for betters sake, as opposed to accepting it is part of a larger planet in which respect and tolerance are bywords for Human. Coupled with the desire to start fights in empty rooms, the Homo Hunness has a want to find flaws in everything bar its own flawed self which is entirely endemic of a culture that cries ‘No Surrender’ and ‘We Are the People’ (the last word a contested term in respect to the group). The lack of self-awareness will continue to be the stumbling skyscraper in the way of the progression of the species, and in many ways could be their death knell. If they were animals we would recommend culling.
Last Updated ( Sunday, 30 May 2010 )

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