If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
You win some, lose some, it's still the same to me
The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed, the only thing I need to do is
Beat The Huns
Beat The Huns

Playing for the high one, fighting against the devil,
Going with the flow, it's all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, Irish eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stake or split, I gotta
Beat The Huns
Beat The Huns

You know I'm born to win, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live for ever,
And don't forget the Welsh joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you've got to see me,
Read 'em and weep, the Lurgan man's hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it's gotta be,
Beat The Huns
Beat The Huns

WOW………A great bit of music from new Celtic manager Lenny and his Motorhead mates to start the weekend.

How are you miserable lot feeling now due diligence was formally carried out via a show of hands at Celtic roadshows?

Yes, cheeky basturts-r-us are back and back with a bang with so much completely made up pish that it’s reekin to the high heavens with the stench of Ewan Cameron.

So what clowns put out a rumour weeks and weeks ago about June 11^th being a key date in your diaries? Oh right, it was us…..Hardy, har, har um har.

Be patient Grasshopper.

Old man: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Youngster: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, I am pished.

The wise one among you….there must be one…will re-read the Rumour Mill several times and understand the detail is all contained within.

June 11^th so what is this all about?

Yes, the planned meeting of Der Kaiser and two rather famous people. The moustached one pulled out of the meeting late last week….we’ll come to that in a few minutes…..but the other two gentlemen will be engaged in chat today before and after a round of Golf in Norn Iron.

So who are they….step forward Lenny and MON.

All three men have been involved in detailed discussions for weeks following everyone’s favourite Irish Billionaire (more on him later) contacting the bespeckled genius and asking him if he’d consider returning to the club as manager. As is his way he initially advised he was flattered with the offer but couldn’t see himself returning to the SPL but within days times had changed due to Lerner and MON falling out but also it has to be said due to the Sandy Lane man not taking no for an answer…….you see Billionaires with a gift of the gab can make convincing cases.

Throughout May discussions continued going well so much so that EVERY player and we mean EVERY player the club has been actively pursuing in signing talks were rubber-stamped following full agreement between MON and Lenny.

You read that correctly.

Even up until the Parkhead Q&A session when SPLOB made his “it will be worth the wait” announcement, both he and the board of directors were genuinely confident they had their man and would make their biggest appointment since the same person joined the club almost ten years to the day.

Being decisive and coming from Kilrea don’t go hand in hand and after a multitude of phone calls over a 48 hour window last week between the Kaiser and MON it became clear the great man was not for returning…….just yet.

He wants one more crack at reaching the CL next season with an English club but has made it clear if he goes close but ultimately proves unsuccessful would be interested in a possible return should the club require his services twelve months from now.

So what about Lenny, what were his thoughts while all of this was going on? Well we understand he was 100% supportive of the boards approach as he was guaranteed the role of assistant manager under a man he thinks the world of with the added incentive of being groomed for the role in future years. It was also made clear to him if MON didn’t accept the offer he (Lenny) was certain of the position. It was a win/win position and explains why he was so relaxed during the Q&A roadshows much to the confusion of many a punter.

All of the above is 100% true according to our drunken Wee Man’s source.

So what about the Kaiser? We’ll come to him much, much later.

Is Tiger Woods really visiting Celtic Park in July as guest of the Moustache prior to his arrival at St Andrews? All we can say is Lock up yir daughters!

Anyone else love our wee brother the Friday Supplement? No, only us then! And to think it’s the one place where we push out rumours with a smidgen of truth in them….or is it? Still at least they are all our own.

Which Hun player was found slurring into his beer at 4am in an expensive all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean? The man in question spent most of the night trying to convince the guests that he was EPL quality. Oh, sorry, we meant ex-Rangers player.

Expressions you rarely hear anymore………..gonny get me a boatil of ginger.

Cardiff City's board are pretty unhappy at Celtic’s public pursuit of Joe Ledley, so much so they've asked the Club to back off of its pursuit of another player from the Welsh capital and are worried Celtic will go public with this interest too. The player has Celtic leanings and is keen on the move and Lucille Loovens could go back down south as part of the deal. The Club's recent use of the press through hints being dropped is about to go nuclear with player movement in and out.

Anyone else think Kerry is a beautiful place?

McGeady offski? Certainly not to thereski as he has his sights set on the EPL. Spartak’s offer for the player, which the club couldn’t possibly have made public through media pals any quicker, has given the hoops just what they wanted….a bidding war. We understand the club is looking for £12m for the player and are confident of getting it as they know Big Eck is desperate to land him and is willing to throw in McFadden and Murphy as part of the deal. Still, a £10m ‘offer’ from Martin wouldn’t go amiss once Milner departs just to raise the ante once more…..

Whatever happened to Adamski?

So what exactly did Lenny say in the CP car park to the small group of supporters once the polis and handful of fired up supporters departed for a square-go round the back of the smokers? You know we’ve been asked this question countless times and now the season is over we thought it only fair to share some of that discussion with you.

In no particular order.

“Samaras was supposed to play left midfield and Fortune in attack alongside Robbie in a 4-4-2. This message was repeated to both players at half time. A message I should not have to repeat to experienced players”.

“Fortune and Samaras did not follow instructions and would not start a game together in any future matches that mattered”. The team were pursuing the second Champions League place at the time.

“Braafheid is nowhere near Celtic class”.

“I had guys like Hartson, Sutton, Larsson, Thompson and Petrov playing alongside me all on big money and every one of them gave 100% for the team. I now have two players over 6 foot tall (Samaras and Fortune) who lie rolling on the pitch after the slightest touch”.

“There will be a major clear out this summer to fund the purchase of new players fit to wear the Celtic jersey”.

“I need men in the team who will give their all”.

“Samaras is a big Jessie”. We made the last one up!

Everyone at ETims likes Neil Lennon.

Has Garry Parker really been a Boys Club football coach in Oxfordshire for the past few years?

Big mention to Kenny bhoy from the Huddleboard. Hello Kenny bhoy.

Players out.

Mick to Boro Celtic for £2m. Loovens first reasonable offer received. Thompson on loan to Swindon. McGowan on loan to Swindon. Fortune to Ipswich and Sami to Jessie United.

It couldn't be true, could it? A certain balding ex-Celtic coach is itching to come back and work with Lennon, for who he has great respect for from their time together at the Club. Add in the fact he has been sold a dummy by a certain mono-named manager's agreement to do another year. His hint was laughed out of town.

It's still far too early for Henrik who wants to manage his own team.

Meanwhile, back at dodge, the great unwashed's celebrations at the takeover proposal could be a case of premature ululation: the insistence that MIH carries all of the EBT tax burden is proving a quite interesting stumbling block and Ellis' public declaration is designed to put pressure on the now agoraphobic Sir Minty Moonbeams.

What's the difference between a rule and a request? Nothing if you're Kyle Lafferty - he ignores both, or is it because he was given them in writing?

Celtic's offer to Sol Campbell is now a straight choice between Celtic and Arsenal and Lennon's appointment is a swinger for us; plus the two year contract. Expect to see Lenny and Wenger engaged a game of Hungry Hippos with the guy who collects most balls getting first dibs on Sol. Lenny is a shark at HH our Lurgan mole tells us.

$1.5m Yankee Doodle dandee dollars from the forthcoming US tour. Wonder what the Boston police bill would have been had the mad mental plan to play the Huns gone through? Incidentally we understand Celtic will attempt to have Jozy Altidore in their party for the US trip and are looking to tie up a deal with Villarreal once the US’s participation in the World Cup ends.

We should have said earlier…..damn nice of MON and Gordon to have fortnightly meetings with Lenny. We appreciate that support gents.

That positive relationship between the suits at Celtic and Barca it appears gets stronger by the year. If it wasn’t World Cup year we understand both clubs would have played each other in the States this summer…..a game that will wait until July 2011…….more importantly we have first refusal on two of their up and coming reserve players for a season long loan.

Ramis talks still ongoing.

So what’s all this about the return of Craig Bellamy? We understand that not only is it all true but Bellers is the person actively pushing the move as he has unfinished business at Celtic. We understand he’s willing to hang fire and agree a season long loan deal should City play hardball but with the club overflowing with money he believes they may be willing to sell him for as little as £5m…….a figure we hear Celtic would be more than happy to pay especially when you consider the money expected to be brought in from the sale of McGeady and co. We also understand Lenny wants to make Sylvinho one of his first signings with a deal currently being worked on for the recently freed Brazilian left back.

Gordon Nice isn’t really involved in discussions with a radio station over hosting his own football talk show, is he? If this one goes ahead watch the Scottish media drama queens really throw their handbags in the air.

Our London Road mole mentions whispers that plans are in place for work to commence next summer to finally tidy up the appalling mess outside the stadium. The Celtic boards wallet is of course tighter than trying to touch a Swedish woman’s snatch tucked away inside a chastity belt but on this occasion we’ll let them off as we understand wee Eck of the SNP government is looking to fully fund this via monies he is expecting from Westminster.

So what’s going on with the moustached one? We understand he has been extremely busy over the past few weeks and not only in discussions with MON. Our Wee Man’s mole informs us that DD has been actively pursuing investment in the club from a number of parties both close to home and in the States. This is quite unusual as normally his lackey’s do all the running but on this occasion we understand he is at the forefront of all talks. His prime motive initially was to secure stadium sponsorship and through his wealth of contacts discussions have taken place with two major American companies both of whom have declared an interest in closing a deal and both of whom are driven by major Irish-American players. But that’s not all. Talks have moved on and both parties have made it clear they want to take matters a step further by investing heavily in the club. Is this via another share option where they underwrite a certain amount in return for a percentage of the shareholding or…..are they looking to purchase all of DD’s shares?

We genuinely don’t know but talks are happening, they are advanced and a deal is expected to be concluded during Celtic’s longer than normal tour to the US next month.

So that’s us for another episode of stuff, nonsense and completely made up shite but if we’ve made one person smile then our job is complete. You know the drill by now anything you want to share please send to:

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We promise to ignore the best, consider the average and publish the worst as it’s the kind of damn living on the edge fools we are.

P.S. Enjoy your summer. We know we will.

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