SINGING I?M NO A BILLY HE?S A TIM

A stage play by Des Dillon

A play exploring bigotry and ethic identity. What happens when, on the day of the Old Firm Match, you lock a Celtic and Rangers fan in a cell together? Fireworks. And a weird kind of unity. Shortly after the Asian Tsunami Disaster a Sri Lanka minister was seen talking to a Tamil Tiger leader. They had never spoken before. They seemed to get on well. Adversity had thrown them together and forced them to talk. And in responding to the needs of others they found a common ground; a shared humanity; a starting point. This play is an allegory for The Peace Process and Peace Process all over the world.

There is a cell with a hatch looking out onto a short corridor. Along a short corridor is the Turnkey?s office. Upstage is a T junction to a cell block corridor we don?t see and a security door into the courthouse.

Inside the cell is a stainless steel toilet. A concrete bunk with a thin pvc mattress. A surveillance camera. There is a hatch which the inmates can use to look out into the corridor. A toilet. A roll of toilet paper. In the office is a telly. A cctv screen. A phone. A chair and a table.

Scene one

In the dark cell, Harry, a fifty-something turnkey, holds his mobile phone in the air looking for a signal. A buzzer goes and Harry leaves through a door, switching the cell lights on as he goes.

Harry (off) Come on. Quiet lads. (they quieten) Once your fines?re paid you?re getting out. Right you, back from the door. (Harry appears in our corridor with Tim 25, in a Celtic top. Tim reacts) Step this way madam.

Tim Goanny stop squeezin ma arm. That?s sore.

Harry walks Tim to the cell.

Harry Shoes. (Tim takes off his green and white training shoes) Belt.

Tim I?ve no belt.

Harry Is there a draw string in them?

Tim shows Harry his trakkies.

Tim Elasticated ? look? (Tim pulls them and lets them twang back) I?d hang myself a thousand times if I done it wi them. Boing boing!

Harry smiles and opens the door. Pushes Tim gently in.

Harry Ring the bell for room service. Let?s hope your wife can raise the other ? how much is it?

Tim Hunner an sixty.

Harry Och! The game?s just starting, you could be there for half time.

Door slams. Key turns. Harry goes back to his office. Tim sighs. Looks round the cell.

Tim Fuckin bummer. (Tim boots the door) Shit ? shit - fuckin shit!

Harry (from office) Hey hey hey! Calm down son.

Tim slumps onto the bed and sighs. He lies down and eventually starts humming an Irish song. The humming morphs into singing.

Tim Where are the lads, Who stood with me, When history was made? (He repeats made over and over listening to the echo) Made? made? made?

Scene two

Harry lifts the phone and listens to the dialling tone. He puts it down and RING! RING! He jolts back with fright as the phone goes. Harry picks it up a bit too hastily almost letting it drop.(Tim stands up and listens intently at the hatch.)

Harry Hello. Is he alright? (It?s not who he thought it was) Right. No I thought you were someone else there. (reaches for a pen) Give me the names. (Harry writes down a load of names. He takes out his keys. Harry shouts into the Cell Block as he walks into it. Tim still listens at his door) Buchanan. Riley. Ferguson. Gallagher. (Doors open and people get out) Morning ladies ? paid in full. You?re free to go. Collect your possessions upstairs.

Diminishing footsteps and slam of the big courthouse door. When Tim hears Harry?s footsteps coming back he rattles on the door.

Tim Hey ? turnkey. Turnkey! Ye out there? (Harry is outside Tim?s cell wondering whether or not to respond. Tim looks this way and that through the hatch) Boss!? Hello!? Is there anybody there?

Silence a beat then:

Harry (getting a fright) My name?s not boss and it?s not turnkey.

Tim Sorry boss. I mean sorry?

Harry Harry ? my name?s Harry.

Tim Harry.

Harry What is it?

Tim Was ma name not on that list?

Harry No. It wasn?t.

Tim Shit. I need to get out of here!

Harry Soon as it?s paid you?re off!

Tim It?s as good as paid.

Harry You?ll make the second half then.

Tim Can ye not jist let me out? I?ll pay it I promise!

Harry You?re in here for promising!

Tim thinks a beat then:

Tim Well, have you got a telly in yer wee office then?

Harry I don?t see as that?s any of your business?

Tim Ye have!

Harry How do you know?

Tim I can see it.

Harry Aye, and?

Tim And - any chance of turnin it round so as I can see the game?

Harry It may have escaped your notice ? but you?re in jail.

Tim Aw come on Harry.

Harry Surely you?re not that addicted to football.

Tim It?s not jist the football.

Harry What is it then?

Tim Don?t gimmi that ? you fine well know what it is!

Harry Do I?

They stare at each other a beat.

Tim There?s more to football than football Harry!

Harry looks at Tim and because he knows this is true he changes the subject.

Harry I?m sure your wife?ll be along with the money soon ? you?re the only one left in.

Tim There?s no chance of her turnin up before the end of the game ma wife.

Harry How?s that? She ran away with Bobo Balde?

Tim Aw ha ha! I sent her away to stick every last curdy on Celtic to win so I did. To get me out.

Harry Ri ? ght! Good one. I see.

Tim So can ye turn it round so as I can see the game?

Harry There's a rule book son.

Tim Aw come on Harry don?t be rotten man! Jist the sound then. So as I can hear it at least. (Harry walks away. Tim shouts) I?ve got to see the game!

Harry That?s a good one right enough ? I?ve seen it all now. Your wife gambling to get your liberty.

Tim (shouts) It?s not a gamble Harry. It?s the Celtic!

Harry I?ve got cells to clean.

Tim (shouts) Goanny put the light out in this cell then? At least I can get a kip.

Harry lifts the bucket and leaves, putting the lights out as he goes..

Scene three

We can barely see Tim in the low light. He starts singing low and falls away into a snoring sleep.

Tim For it?s a grand old team to play for ? sure it?s a grand old team to know ? for if - you know ? the history ? it?s enough to make your heart grow oh oh we don?t care what the animals say ? what the hell do we care ? for we only know that there?s going to be a show and the Glasgow Celtic will be there?

By now Tim is snoring loudly. The official buzzer goes. We hear a heavy prison door swing open.

Harry (eventually appearing) Step this way madam.

Harry brings Billy, 25, Rangers fan through. Billy is angry.

Billy Judge is a fuckin maniac! Been snortin too much coke.

Harry Calm down son.

Billy Sticks me doon here ? tells ma wife to go?n raise the money.

Harry You?re a latecomer.

Billy I?m the last wan.

Harry Are you? Good! Off to the game?

Billy Aye - how?d ye know that? (Harry tugs his Rangers too) Och ? I forgoat I had this oan wi gettin lifted an that.

They arrive outside Tim?s cell.

Harry Shoes. (Billy takes off his red white and blue shoes Harry sits them beside Tim?s green and white ones) Belt.

Billy No got wan! (Keys in lock and turns. Door opens. Billy goes in. Harry closes the door) Hey! It?s pitch black in here.

Harry (walking away) I?ll switch the light back on. When I?m cleaning the cells.

Harry leaves. Billy hears the snoring. He peers as he moves through the darkness. He hits the toilet. Tim jerks awake.

Billy Who?s that!

Tim (waking) Who?s that?

Billy Fuckin fines.

Tim I?m the same. Gettin ready for the game. Bastards crashed in an lifted me.

Billy I was eatin ma breakfast. Ham n eggs an aw. Bunch of cunts.

Tim Can they not catch drug dealers or somethin? Here(slaps the bench) huv a seat.

Tim beats on he bench till Billy stumbles over and sits down.

Billy Wife never had the money.

Tim Neither did mine.

An awkward beat then. They peer at each other. Harry remembers the light. The light clicks on

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